why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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