My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
