Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
