Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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