STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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