Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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