totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
