I have demons in me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
