Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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