is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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