So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
