worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
