Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
