i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
