it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
