you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i think i just lost a toe
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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