I got chris browned last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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