Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
