Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
