and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
