the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
