I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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