When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
