Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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