I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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