new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
