all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
