I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
