Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
