Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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