Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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