A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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