He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
