Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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