I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
