nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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