My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The police scanner is talking about you again....
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
