Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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