I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
