Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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