I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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