I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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