You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
