Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
