I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
