hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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