So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
