Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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