so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
