My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
