Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
