Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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